


I Am (Not) a Dalek!

by HollowShadowWolf



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 14:09:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4922623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollowShadowWolf/pseuds/HollowShadowWolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Witch's Familiar AU. Clara relives some horrible memories of another life after being inside the Dalek. Missy is forced to witness the aftermath of the pain she's helped cause.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am (Not) a Dalek!

**Author's Note:**

> Something I just had to do after this episode. Jenna’s acting caused some major feels. I’m not the best writer but I tried. Dedicated to Eli and Britt

_“Hang on. No. Missy? No, no, no. No. No. No. No. Missy. Missy! No, no, please, don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Please!”_

_“Say your name.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Just say it.”_

_“Clara.”_

_“DALEK.”_

_“Where am I?”_

_“Say it again.”_

_“Clara Oswald.”_

_“DALEK. DALEK.”_

_“Where am I?”_

_“One more time.”_

_“I am Clara Oswald. I’m Clara Oswald!”_

_“I AM A DALEK! I AM A DALEK!_

_“WHERE AM I?”_

_“I AM A DALEK! I AM A DALEK!”_

_“I’m human. I am not a Dalek. I am human. I AM NOT DALEK! I AM HUMAN!”_

_“I AM A DALEK! I AM A DALEK!”_

* * *

“I AM NOT A DALEK! I AM HUMAN!”

Clara awoke with the cry of humanity leaving her lips. Heavy breathing was all she could hear, the echoes of screaming Daleks slowly fading. A sob escaped her before she clamped a hand over her mouth, swallowing the rest that tried to follow. She let out a long shaky breath and rubbed her face, trying to stifle the fear still lingering in her veins. She felt the residue of hot tears on her cheeks. The sweat that made her pyjamas stick to her skin. The suffocating darkness that pressed in towards her.

Clara quickly reached over and turned the bedside light on, illuminating her bedroom and driving the darkness back. She sat against the headboard and pulled her knees up to her chest, running one hand through her hair while the other hugged her knees. Her mouth felt dry compared to her skin as she tried to focus on her breathing and not the voices hovering at the edge of her mind.

The silence around her contrasting with the whispering in her head became too much. She had to get out of her room. Go to safety. Comfort. Help.

Clara scrambled inelegantly off the bed and headed towards the door, hugging her chest. As she reached it the door slid open on its own, the corridor beyond already lit with a soft blue glow. Clara gave a small grateful smile at the air and set off. If the corridor was automatically lit like this, it was highly likely the TARDIS knew where she needed to go and there wasn’t much chance the ship would get her lost or drop her in the swimming pool. Not tonight. Now wasn’t the time.

As she padded down the corridor, the metal on her bare feet cool helping soothe her heated skin, she couldn’t stop her mind from wandering to the events of the day that were causing her terrible relapse.

Clara wasn’t the biggest fan of Daleks to begin with, so her entire time on Skaro was spent being on edge. But when she and Missy, or mostly Missy, had taken the Dalek down in the sewers the whisperings had started. Even touching the empty husk was difficult, shivers trickling down her spine as she’d gingerly placed her fingers on the metal.

When Missy had told her to get in the Dalek she’d been positive the psychotic Time Lady was joking. But when Missy had started opening up the battle armour the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. Fear and panic had begun to claw at the corner of her mind from that place where the echoes hid and she should have known then things weren’t going to end well for her psyche should they survive. She hadn’t even heard Missy speaking. The Time Lady had to poke her with that stupid stick to jolt her out of her frozen state.

Clara was sure Missy could see her fear and apprehension, but could only assume the other woman figured it was a normal reaction to the prospects of pretending to be a Dalek and going into a dangerous situation. But her fear ran deeper than just that. She was nearly ready to bolt but Missy had coaxed her into the armour with the words “ _Don’t you wanna save the Doctor?_ ” It worked but she was fairly certain if it hadn’t Missy would have pushed her inside anyway, just like the hole to the sewers before.

She tried to keep calm as she sat inside the husk of the Dalek while Missy fiddled with some wires before the woman attached something to the side of her head. Focusing on the situation at hand she tried to push out her anxiety and do as Missy said.

When the telepathic controls linked her cry of pain hadn’t just been for the physical pain, though it had bloody hurt. As soon as the link connected she was assaulted by the realistic vision of a metal cage around her head and neck keeping her still and in place. Wires and other bits of metal circled her. The weight of it felt so real. In front of her were the glowing blue eyestalks of other Daleks. In an instant it was all gone and she was met with the sight of Missy’s face as the Time Lady shh-ed her.

Clara had shoved away the vision and the pain as quickly as she could and listened to Missy’s words.

She hadn’t been able to help herself as she’d marvelled at being able to control the Dalek with just her thoughts. But the reprieve hadn’t lasted long.

As Missy had begun to close the Dalek armour the panic surged anew threatening to drown her. When the last piece closed and the darkness surrounded her, pierced only by the faint blue of the wires, she felt alone. Trapped. That sense of déjà vu she hated.

Missy’s voice filtered in and even though she was begrudgingly working with the psychopath, Clara had been thankful she was there. She wasn’t alone this time. Someone was there to guide her through it. It wouldn’t just be her and the echoes.

She had been confused when Missy asked her to say her name but followed the instructions. When the armour changed her voice had been bad enough but changing her name to Dalek had sent a chill crashing down her spine. As it continued hatred began to rise. She was no Dalek! She was human. The emotional response set off the gun and Clara had to try desperately to reign in the mixture of emotions that were not just hers.  

She steadied her breathing as Missy continued to give instructions, though it was increasingly difficult as the Dalek voice unrelentingly changed her voice.

When the Dalek had changed her words to ‘ _EXTERMINATE!’,_ she had frowned. She shouldn’t have been surprised but she had been. Hate, anguish and horror all pooled at the back of her mind as she tried to ignore it. This wasn’t something that _she_ had done before, it was all _her_. Clara had to get through it to help the Doctor. The Doctor was what was important.

When Missy had asked her to say ‘ _Exterminate_ ’ she had set her jaw and, after wrestling with the echoes, done so. As the Dalek repeated it in the Dalek voice the effect was immediate. Visions of another Dalek with her eyes saying that as it bore down on a floppy haired man in a bow tie flashed in her mind and emotions took over. The Dalek armour began to fire its gun repeating the word over and over. Clara had to fight frantically for control again. Missy was there in front of her explaining things again and Clara tried to keep her attention on those words and not the words of another life. She’d shifted in her very uncomfortable seat and determinedly locked the echoes back in their box setting her mind on the difficult task at hand, before following Missy.

She was grateful Missy was there to take the lead because, although she was normally good at thinking on her feet, so much going on in her head had her thrown. So when they were cornered by a Dalek, Missy had to take over from a struggling Clara. She was sure Missy would lord that over her, calling her a stupid nano-brain but she’d rather that than the truth.

When Missy had run off however leaving her alone, that was enough to let the echoes leaking back in. As she’d wandered around trying to find Missy or the Doctor the visions became more frequent and corporeal as her own fear and panic mounted. Restraints kept her in place. Lose wires and bits of metal poked into her skin. The Dalek voice was her own. Carmen played somewhere in the distance. The smell of burnt soufflé hung in the air.

When she had finally found the Doctor her relief was enough to drive the apparitions back. Trying to get through to him that it was her had been nearly impossible with the voice modulation. Apparently the word mercy was key. Missy had arrived and confirmed his suspicions that it was her. She’d been surprised really, but she was too tired to wonder why.

They’d got her out of the casing, rather painfully. She’d cried out as they’d pulled the telepathic links from her mind. She was sure exhaustion, pain and her tired, muddled mind was causing her to hallucinate again because if she hadn’t known any better she’d have sworn Missy looked sorry for her.

The three had made it back to the main room, adrenaline helping Clara make it unaided. She’d rather have crawled than have Missy help her. The Doctor had rematerialized the TARDIS around them and he’d raced to the console to get them out of there.

They had watched from a distance as the city began to fall. The Doctor was still stuck on how she had made the Dalek say mercy. He clearly came to a realisation but at that moment she didn’t care. She was exhausted, mentally and physically, and her head ached. As the Doctor took the TARDIS somewhere important, she had disappeared off to her bedroom trusting that the TARDIS would keep Missy away from her. She had showered, trying to use the hot water to scrub the Dalek off her, before pulling on some pyjama trousers and a vest top, and crawling into her bed. Sleep didn’t last long though as the nightmares sought her out.

Clara was brought out of her recollections when she finally entered the console room. She breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. She knew she was safe in this room. The TARDIS would make sure of it and the Doctor wasn’t far away. She walked slowly up the stairs towards the console eyes trailing over the orange central column. She missed the blue.

As if reading her mind, or more accurately after hearing her thoughts, the central column changed from the soft orange to the cyan blue that had first captured her attention when she’d set foot inside so long ago.

“Thank you,” Clara whispered softly to the console. The TARDIS beeped melodically and Clara smiled. She walked up to the console and placed a hand on the central column. Calm instantly washed over her and the echoes were silenced. She closed her eyes and breathed slowly, concentrating on the soft hum of the TARDIS.

She didn’t know how long she’d stood there before a familiar voice cut through the peace.

“Oh, better not tell the Doctor you’ve been getting handsy with his old girl. He might get jealous.”

The voice made her jump, her hand coming free from the column. The calm was instantly shattered and the echoes seemed to shout in protest at being shut up. Pain bounced around her head as she brought her hand to clutch it, the other gripping the console to keep her upright. She breathed out shakily as the pain subsided into a dull ache. She refused to face the owner of the voice with the pain showing.

She finally turned slowly to see Missy. Her hair was out of its bun, tumbling down her shoulders. She was dressed a white flowing night gown that matched her normal Victorian-esque style. She looked perfectly poised and made up even in her night wear. Clara blinked and brought her eyes to the Time Lady’s icy ones, trying to pretend she hadn’t been staring.

Missy had noticed the staring but that wasn’t what caught her attention most. When the human had turned to face her Missy frowned, taking in Clara’s pale, tear-stained face and the dark, almost black, circles around her eyes. Missy made her face neutral as the other brunette looked her in the eye. She might be trying to hide it but Missy could see pain in the human’s eyes. She was adept at seeing it since she so often caused it.

“What are you doing here?” Clara croaked, cursing her voice for giving away more than she wanted to. Missy’s eyebrow quirked ever so slightly at the sound but simply licked her lips and smiled her usual predator smile.

“I could ask you the same question poppet. But if you must know I was curious,” she answered, twirling a lock of hair around her fingers. “It’s not every day you hear a pretty girl moaning your name in her sleep.” The Time Lady watched as Clara rolled her eyes but Missy spotted the slight clench in the human’s jaw and the pink tint on the tips of her ears. Filing those tid bits away Missy started to slowly walk up the stairs towards the other woman.

“But clearly from the rest of the drivel you started spouting I don’t think you were quite having that sort of dream.” Missy leaned on the console next to Clara. “I’d make you scream much differently.”

Clara side stepped the wicked thoughts that entered her mind at Missy’s thinly veiled comments, and instead narrowed her eyes at the Time Lady.

“You heard?”

Missy clutched her heart and made an exaggerated offended expression.

“I wasn’t eavesdropping dearie. The sound proofing was off. Someone,” she said sending a glare at the central column and swatting on of the console’s levers, “clearly wanted me to feel sorry for you or something.” The TARDIS gave a thunk and flipped a lever, aiming for Missy’s hand. Missy dodged the implement and shook her finger at the ship tutting.

Missy looked back at the human who was staring at the console obviously lost in her own thoughts again.

“So come on then. What was all the wailing about?” Missy asked, leaning an arm on the console lounging against it. Clara’s head shot up and she scoffed incredulously.

“Why is it any of your business?”

“Because pup if I’m going to be on this ship too, I’m going to need my beauty sleep. I don’t wanna be kept awake by you making noises. Well at least not in that way.” Missy sniffed and looked at Clara with those hypnotic eyes. “So what’s wrong?”

“Why do you care Missy?”

There was a slight hesitation.

“I don’t. Not about you. I care about me. And my sleep. And neither of us is going to get any until you give in and just spill your figurative guts.”

Clara glared at Missy. She didn’t want to give this psycho any more ammo against her. But on the other hand Missy was constantly reminding her that _she_ had been with the Doctor from the beginning on Gallifrey. So had Clara. Just not in the same way. And she had been with him throughout his whole life too. Just there in the background.

Clara frowned unsure of what to do. She was tired and having trouble thinking clearly. The TARDIS beeped and there was a whoosh of air behind her. She turned and saw the old chair that used to sit in that spot by the railing. The one she’d sat in many times. Like those times when the TARDIS used to hide her room and they’d fight. Later when they’d become friendlier and just talked. Then more recently after Trenzalore when she couldn’t sleep and the TARDIS would help soothe her shattered mind.

Missy had raised her eyebrows at the appearance of her chair and side eyed the column as Clara walked, or rather stumbled, over to the chair. Was the human limping?

Clara dropped into the chair and crossed her legs in the seat, staring at her fingers in her lap rather than the Time Lady who was still waiting for an answer. Clara looked up at the console and inquired the ship her opinion. The TARDIS hummed and beeped in response.

Missy stared between the two disbelievingly. How could this mutt communicate with the Doctor’s TARDIS. Telepathically no less.

“Hurry up dear,” Missy said, breaking the silence, running a finger over an already perfect eyebrow, “I would like to return to bed before the universe ends.” She leant her chin on her hands in a childish manner. “So what’s giving you bad dreams poppet?”

Clara took a deep breath and stared back down at her hands.

“Oswin.”

Missy hadn’t expected that. She gave the human and expression of ‘ _and?_ ’, though Clara wasn’t looking at her to see it.

“Oswin?”

“Oswin Oswald.”

Missy frowned. The TARDIS beeped and the screen next to Missy sparked to life. The Time Lady looked at it and her frown deepened. On the screen was an ID card for a spaceship named Alaska for an Oswin Oswald. But what was strange was the picture of the woman. She looked exactly like Clara.

“Oswin Oswald was the Junior Entertainment Manager on the Starship Alaska. The ship crashed into the Dalek Asylum and she was the only survivor. The Daleks took her for her genius and did a full conversion. Turned her into a Dalek.”

Clara took a deep breath and swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall at the recollection of a life that she had lived but hadn’t at the same time.

“And she was me.”

Missy whipped her head towards the human, who still hadn’t looked up, confused.

“A while ago the Great Intelligence lured the Doctor to Trenzalore. To his grave. He jumped into the Doctor’s time stream. He put himself into the Doctor’s past, undoing all his victories. The universe began to fall apart. The stars and our friends were disappearing.”

Clara paused for breath and swallowed trying to ease the dryness in her throat. Missy was staring at Clara with wide eyes, sensing but still unsure where the story might be headed.

“So to save The Doctor I jumped into his time stream after the Great Intelligence. I was scattered throughout his past. A thousand different versions of me trying to undo the Great Intelligence’s work.”

Clara couldn’t stop the tears that began to fall anew, not caring as they hit her clothes and skin, or that Missy saw.

“A thousand people. All over the universe. All living and dying over and over and _over_ again. All existing to save the Doctor.”

Missy held her breath as Clara finally looked at her with those large, wet, doe eyes, a terrible haunted look in them.

“And they’re all in here,” Clara said with a sardonic smile, tapping the side of her head.

Missy was drawn away from the other woman as the screen next to her began to cycle through pictures. Pictures of different people who all looked like Clara. All from different time periods. Some from different planets. At a certain grainy picture of a TARDIS repair worker on Gallifrey faint recognition passed across her mind.

“It was hard at first,” Clara said softly, looking back down at her lap, “Having so many lives in my head. But the Doctor and the TARDIS helped me remember who I was. What was real. What was me. They’re still there. I still remember. But they don’t bother me as much.”

Clara stared up at the ceiling of the TARDIS.

“But sometimes they visit at night. Try to remind me what I saw. What I did. It’s not been like _this_ in a while though. It only gets this bad when something… triggers them.” Clara swallowed and dropped her head again, rubbing the sides of her head where the telepathic links had been as the dull ache began to increase again with all her revelations.

Missy’s eyes shined as she finally tore her eyes from the screen to look at the human.

“The Dalek.”

Clara nodded silently.

Silence, apart from the beep of the TARDIS as it continued to slowly cycle through picture after picture, hung between the two women. Finally Clara wiped her eyes and stood slowly from the chair. The voices were returning again. She knew she wasn’t going to get much sleep anyway. Might as well let them come and get it over with.

“I hope you feel better now Missy. I’m going back to bed.”

Missy shockingly stepped aside as Clara walked passed her heading back towards the corridor. Missy stared at the human’s stiff back, mouth dry, willing herself to say something.

“Clara.” Clara stopped but didn’t turn. “I’m sorry.”

Missy could hear the other brunette’s soft laugh even from where she stood. Clara turned, a sad smile on her face.

“I wish I could believe that Missy.”

Missy watched Clara’s retreating form, noticing that as the human left the light in the console room returned to its normal orange.

The Time Lady returned her attention to the screen which was still cycling through the images of Clara’s echoes, not yet repeating any.

She was still there when the screams began to echo around her as the TARDIS made her listen.

Screams of pain. Screams of anguish. Screams of fear.

Cries for help. Begging for her life. Pleas for her life to end.

“ _Exterminate!_ ”

“ _Delete!_ ”

Other alien languages no human should know.

And perhaps worst of all the same phrase repeated. A phrase that sounded so lost it made her hearts ache, thought she’d loathe to ever admit it.

“ _Please, I don’t know where I am._ ”


End file.
